Grief is something that buries itself in the deepest part of your heart and lives there for a very long time…
For the mother’s who’s mother has passed away, or doesn’t have a strong relationship with their mother because it’s too damaging to have in your life, I see you and you are strong. You are doing an amazing job at raising those tiny humans.
Becoming a first time mom is a life changing experience for any woman. It’s scary and exciting all at once. The moment I found out that I was pregnant, instantly the first person I wanted to call was my mom. I was scared shitless. I remember always being the friend that would shy away from the topic of having children when it was up for discussion due to the fact that I was afraid to begin the motherhood journey without her. I missed her and I felt selfish in a sense because I would be bringing my child up in a world without knowing my mother’s unconditional grandmother’s love.
Becoming a mother has started to make me realize that I never got to understand my mother fully. Witnessing her parent for 15 years was not enough time. Looking back I think I spent more time fighting with her over what I didn’t want to wear to school instead of appreciating her. It’s been nearly 10 years and I’m just now grieving the idea of not knowing her longer earth side. Being in the absence of that connection has caused a dull ache in the bottom of my stomach that continues to stay with me.
An open letter to my mother –
You are always with me. When Sophie has decided to skip out
on her afternoon naps on the same day I have a mound of work
to accomplish; she’s tugging at my leg for another snack while I attempt
for the third time to make my first meal of the day at noon,
while simultaneously the cat is chucking a hair ball on the windowsill.
I can hear you reminding me to laugh in the midst of the chaos…